I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
