Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
