Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
