I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
