A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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