My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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