Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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