he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
