I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Randomize
