you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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