i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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