You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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