sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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