I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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