Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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