I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
