Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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