Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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