Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize