i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
