I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
