ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
