Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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