He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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