So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Terrible idea I love it
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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