i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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