WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
