woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
