These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
