if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
