I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
