We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize