I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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