Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Barsexuality is the new black.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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