I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize