Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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