"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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