I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
