i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
do nipples grow back?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
