Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
