Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
