The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
