you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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