the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
