Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
