Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
