Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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