The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize