I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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