I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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