I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
