This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
