we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
