You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize