I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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