God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
