Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
