Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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