I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
