Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
