guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
